Definition: a doctrine holding that perfection is attainable (Thanks Google!)
But, you don’t need a definition do you? Everyday Perfectionism is being thrown in our faces: from the stereotypical photoshopped, gorgeous model all over Social Media to the possibility of getting 100% in an exam or essay.
Aren’t we all in the pursuit of Perfection in some way?Or we’ve made the conscious decision to stop trying.
I’m a self-professed recovering Perfectionist.
Yes I, Samantha, have been known to indulge in the unattainable notion that every part of my life can be optimised and improved until I will reach the dizzying heights of *PERFECT* and will be happy.
You know how this is going to end, right?
Like every idealised notion, Perfect, has an implicit opposite.
FAILURE. duh duh duh…
Thats the earth-shuddering fear that because you have fallen short of perfection in one part of your life, that you could in fact be imperfect and doomed to fail.
Where do I fit in to this? Well, school became a fantastic competition for me to be perfected in every way: marks, extracurriculars, exercise, artisticness… The worst part was not the competition against myself, but the comparing to others who always seemed to be one step ahead in any given category. Then the inevitable demise into disappointment.
My unrelenting standards kept me occupied, nothing better to stress and worry over than a never-ending, impossible goal.
So, why write today? I’m sitting in a coffeeshop having failed. Of course I knew deep down I wouldn’t be able to do it all and by that I mean: have a social life, exercise, sleep, maintain friendships, keep in contact with family and friends from home, vlog, blog, be an activist, eat healthy, meditate, say yes to everything, and, study.
Now, the last is the most obvious place to fail because of the all determining marks given to us for an important assignment. However, performance anxiety has crippled me this time and I couldn’t even hand in my assignment!
Superficial List Why Not:
*Referencing not Perfect
*Language not Perfect
*Not Enough Sources… The list could go on.
At least today I am aware of what I’m doing as I panic and decide not to even bother printing it out.
Today I know that my Perfectionist tendencies are rearing their ugly head. I make a conscious decision right now, that maybe this reflects other parts of my life too. And, maybe, this is an opportunity for me to kick it in the budbefore this disease takes over my life again.
And do you know what? I’m not going to apologise this time. For not blogging enough, for not filming enough, for not editing enough, for not studying enough, for not rowing enough, for not ergoing enough, for not going out enough, for not working out enough, for eating too much junk food, for buying too many coffees, for not calling friends and family enough, for not waking up early enough, for not meditating enough, for not moisturising enough, for not being patient enough, for not being clean enough, for not holding everything together.
Because guess what? I’M NOT PERFECT phew. Join Me? Feels good doesnt it
All my love and positivity xox